http://www.theglobeandmail.com/commentary/margaret-wente-alternative-advice-to-high-flying-women-lean-back/article10199024/

Who know what dreams may show up, what problems you can solve or what genius things you can create!! Go ahead and daydream a bit…

http://tinyurl.com/859zlzv

And have a Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

“Dawn Zivanovich, MSW 1983 operates a private practice supporting clients experiencing a broad range of individual, relationship and social challenges on a path toward increased wellness.”

https://media.library.utoronto.ca/public/serve/CdQkWjr8OiY0.mp3

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-konstantinovsky/lady-gaga_b_1914057.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008

Some are staying it is another publicity stunt but it doesn’t really matter.  Lady Gaga’s fans adore her. She has almost 30 million followers on Twitter!  And so she is a role model for all of her “little monsters”.  She is inspiring bravery and courage. If she says, “Ur Fine” and “you don’t need to diet” on Twitter, then they believe her.

And, really, if that helps a young girl or a woman to address her body image and eating issues, then that’s all that matters!

Dr. Gottman is well known for his analysis of relationships and being able to predict relationship disaster. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” according to his extensive research.  Intimacy, communication, connection and cherishing are what binds a couple and keeps them together over the long term. Watch the video to understand:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc&feature=related

Obviously, there is help and couples can change. Learning to cherish one another is the most important aspect of maintaining a long and healthy relationship.  His newest book entitled: “What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal”, addresses doubts and worry about betrayal.  With divorce, affairs and “friends with benefits” running rampant in our society, it is no surprise that worry over betrayal is a concern.

What does this mean? It means that she is human because even simple daily tasks are things that we often delay.  It’s not that important and “I’ll do that tomorrow” is what we tell ourselves. (See  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/201203/ill-feel-more-it-tomorrow-0)  And, often, it isn’t a big deal if we don’t do the laundry for a few days or don’t sweep the floor every day. In fact, for some people, delaying a task actually is a good thing because they work better under pressure.  See:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-age-anxiety/201104/can-procrastination-ever-be-good-thing.  But what happens when we avoid doing too many things or for far too long? We usually end up getting bogged down and overwhelmed with an over-abundance of “to-dos” on our list.

And what about our emotional and psychological “stuff”?  What happens if we don’t deal with these issues?  Often nothing, at first.  In fact, we are relieved to bury them away. Those recurring patterns of self-destruction and those bad habits that affect our health and our relationships aren’t really that bad, are they?

It is true that sometimes issues will heal with time and that some things will resolve themselves if left alone. However, the more we delay, deny and bury our feelings around those most significant and important events in our lives, and the more we reject that we have psychological pain, the worse it can become.  It is kind of like a pressure cooker.  Even if you’ve never seen one in action, most people understand the concept. A pressure cooker needs to be handled with care as you have to let off a bit of steam constantly, otherwise, you risk the whole thing exploding! or it starts to overcook…

In psychological terms, this can mean that when we deny our feelings for lengthy periods of time, various physical, emotional and psychological issues can begin to emerge. People can subjugate their life traumas into physical illness, and other distressing events from the past can actually sabotage your present day relationships. Depression can occur as a result of cumulative stress and loss. Anxiety can become a factor due to unresolved events from the past.

Sounds dramatic but everyone is human and we need to acknowledge that not everything is “just fine”.  If the same theme keeps coming up in your life, there may be a reason for it:  maybe it is time to deal with it!

It seems that many people believe that it IS possible to have “friends with benefits”, but this article is correct in many ways. Expectations are never clear; nor are they the same for each person. And, some people think they can handle the ramifications of engaging in  it, but then find out otherwise. They become emotionally attached and start wanting more from the other person.

Definitely, there is a need for consideration on all counts. You really need to think about the consequences and the complications of changing the nature of your relationship, especially if you want to remain friends for life!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/face-it/201208/when-plastic-surgery-is-used-solution-bullying

Michelle came in for counseling as her relationship with her husband was suffering:  neither she nor her husband was happy.  Also, she felt horrible because she found little pleasure in parenting her child. She felt like a bad wife and mother. Her sense of shame was huge and she was searching for a way to stop the destruction of her marriage and family. Michelle used any and all parenting tips to help her to cope and, although these tips were helpful, they were not addressing the core issues.

As we talked and discussed the nature of her problems, it became clear that Michelle had experienced numerous traumas over the course of her life. These included incidents such as bullying and teasing from teachers & other students as well as some abuse within her nuclear family relationships. These early life events are often at the “root” of our present-day problems because we are “triggered” emotionally and often can do little to control our reactions.  Traumatic events often shape the way we deal with life, especially when we under stress.

Michelle and I decided that EMDR was the best treatment approach for helping her to deal with these difficulties.  EMDR deals precisely with the root trauma and helps to change and neutralize the effects of the traumatic events. It changes how we think, feel and react to the image and memory.

Therapy is not an easy process if you are seriously expecting to grow and change as a person.  This is truly the case for Michelle who is often tearful and emotional as we desensitize one issue after the other. Michelle is an artist as well. What is truly amazing about this process is how she is utilizing her artistic and creative talents as resources and coping tools. In a recent session, she decided that she would dedicate a creative project to one of her traumatic memories. She would use art and a series of paintings to express her traumatic experience.  This is not a new idea but it is a novel one for Michelle who came to this realization through the EMDR process.

She continues to attend therapy due to the positive results she is experiencing as a result of our work together. Michelle is happy to report that her mood is better and that she is coping better with her family. She is enjoying her son so much more. Her relationship with her husband has improved and he commented one day by asking:  “where is the pod?”  Remember the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” movie?  He was asking her where his “real wife” was as she seemed so different in their interactions with one another.

Bullying. This is a huge topic and cannot be covered in one blog. Teasing, picking on, harassing, pushing, shoving, name-calling — all these behaviours fall under the umbrella of bullying. And even though, society has worked on educating us, there seems to be an epidemic of bullying.  (See:  http://bit.ly/GN3LfY)

Bullies: no one likes them, but they can be extremely intimidating. In fact, sometimes, they can be downright terrifying and they can make other people miserable, so much so, that with repeated bullying, victims can begin to suffer lower confidence and self-esteem, and their academic performance can be affected.

I have clients who too readily recall the names they were called in grade school. They recall the degradation and humiliation they felt. At times, the shame and embarrassment, and the feeling that there is something wrong with them appears to follow them into their adult lives. Witnessing bullying can be just as traumatic. Some siblings try to protect their younger brothers or sisters by standing up for them or taking them away from harmful situations.

If left unchecked, children, teens and adults can become afflicted with mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. The most severe consequence is suicide which, unfortunately, has been an all too real consequence in some cases of extreme bullying.

Many children don’t know how to deal with bullies, and so behave submissively which often reinforces the bully’s behavior. Often children are afraid to tell their parents or teachers that they are being bullied either by another child or, at times, by a group of kids. Sometimes the bully can be an adult:  a teacher or neighbour.  Parents may believe that the child should learn to stand up for himself and choose not to intervene. Children may be scared of the repercussions of “telling”, and therefore, keep the bullying a secret.

Whatever the case, if bullying continues unchecked, it can lead to a number of problems. Not only can children be left with physical scars of bullying but mental scars and issues can develop. Sometimes symptoms emerge as physical ailments such as stomach aches or other illnesses that come on abruptly. Or a child may begin to become depressed and show signs of sadness, including crying, trouble sleeping or nightmares.

In recent years, bullying has emerged in a new form, via instant messaging and text messaging. Cyber bullying has changed the culture of bullying to a certain extent and the number of people that report being bullied has increased as a result. It has another dimension in that the bullying can be anonymous which means you do not know who to be on the look-out for.

In general, being bullied usually leaves us feeling helpless, powerless, fearful, anxious and sometimes angry. Although upsetting, it is important to deal with bullying as quickly as possible, whether it be to “block” an e-mail address or walk away from a situation and find help. It is important for the adults to address the bullying in a firm and definitive manner.

Counselling and therapy can be helpful in order to offer support and allow the child (or adult) to find inner resources and coping strategies for dealing with the effects of bullying.